Food For Thought

The kids have been sleeping with me ever since Laura left us. This may be driven by the fact that the planned refurbishment of Aden's room and isn't complete yet, but I know it isn't. We discussed that it's a possibility that they'd be in with me for a while after she had passed. She wanted them to be in here with me and she needed to know that I would be there for them at night if they needed me. So that is exactly what has happened. Every night they have slept in in our bed with me. It was difficult at first as they were worried about being on her side of the bed and the repercussions of that in a child's mind can be quite huge. However, Hallie has now settled in "Mammys side" and sleeps there comfortably now without a second thought. Or there's no thoughts that bubble to the surface at least. 

                                     

Most nights they want to look at pictures of us on Laura's phone or mine; pictures of us on holiday or weekends away. Although it's an emotional rollercoaster at times, especially initially, but I thought it important to ensure that they knew we could look at them regardless of how difficult it is and we could continue to keep those memories alive. Aden does struggle on occasion and will ask me to turn it off if it gets too much, Hallie less so, but that is no indication of less of an inner turmoil.

One evening after Hallie had gone to sleep, Aden was still awake. I asked him if he was okay about looking at the pictures and if he was missing Mammy.

"Yes", he said sadly. "But I don't want to talk or think about it as it makes me sad and I'll want to cry"

"You know you can talk about her though", I assured him. "You can't bottle it up just because it makes you sad. I get sad too but I find talking about her helps. It makes me sad, yes, but I feel better after I've had a cry and after I've spoke about her I smile because that's what she would want. And remember, Cuddles Cure Cries"

(I told them just after Laura had passed that it's okay to cry, as I will cry too, but when I do cry a cuddle will make me better as cuddles cure cries. The phrase stuck and has helped)

"So do you understand Aden. It's important that you let your emotions out. You can't bottle them up"

He lay silent for a bit and all the while I waited patiently, not wanting to force the issue. When at last, it came.

"Daddy?"

“Yes", I said, apprehensive about whether I'd actually be equipped for his next question.

He then looked at me with a serious look on his face and said, "the little cocktail sausages that you bought from Sainsburys are far better than the ones you bought from Tesco"

It was just then that I realised that I had to change my entire view of how they will process this. I have read the books and listened to people in the know and they have given me lots of advice.  However, the process is different for everyone, adult and child. There is no one size fits all. All I can do is be ready. There is no preparation. Yes, information is good and reading how others have dealt with it is very handy but there is nothing you can do to prepare for the unexpected. And the unexpected will come. Even if I can't find the words to properly describe their queries, I hope that when they look back they will remember getting a perfectly imperfect answer from a Dad who is trying his best to explain a situation that he was struggling with too. 

That night however, on the back of a chat about the quality of cocktail sausages, I did go to sleep with a smile on my face for what seemed like the first time in an eternity.