Every Now and Then

I have been trying to write this for about a month. It's difficult at times to write about myself without sounding like I'm just writing for sympathy or to come across as selfish or judgmental of others. I have also found finding the time to write harder to come by recently too due to working and striving to find that elusive balance to life. When I first started writing this blog the aim was to do something for the kids; something they could refer to, something that I hoped would answer their questions, something that would put a frame around our behaviours and attitudes. I wanted to leave something behind for them. I wanted them to have something that would tell them of the kind of people their parents were. That hasn't changed. I hope that in the future they will read this and understand why I was so grumpy, why I sometimes lost my temper, why sometimes I appeared tired or sad or both and why I actually did the things I did. 

It has been two years now. Two years since we became us three, since we became me. Much has changed in that time, as you'd expect it to have. There have been many trials and many challenges, many ups and downs. There have been hard times. tears and tantrums (and not just from the kids) but there have also been smiles, laughs and the occasional adventure. We continue to adjust and embrace our new normal. I have always tried to do what I thought was the right thing for us and them and I'll continue to do so to the best of my ability.

The kids have both grown so much in the last two years. I guess that is a fairly obvious observation as children tend to grow up fast but their individual characters are developing at an alarming rate and the knock on is that I seem to age two for every one of their speedy years. At least. They have made the transition back to their own bedrooms, which is a major step for all of us, after being in with me since Laura passed. I am incredibly proud of them and I hope that one day they will read that and know how much I mean it and I absolutely know that Laura would be too. We did good.

Aden is still the caring, thoughtful boy he always was. He has always been very emotional and struggles to articulate any frustrations that come with growing up in a manner that doesn't involve getting angry on occasion. But I guess that is all part of the growing up process and he seems to be rapidly morphing into a 10 year old teenager over the last few months! His hair is longer now, which I quite like actually, I just wish he'd understand that it needs a little tidy now and then, just like his room! He's doing very well at school and is confident and happy amongst his peer group. He has really grown and has filled out a bit and is slowly gaining his independence, albeit with that same air of caution that he has always had, which I think is actually a bonus as it pays to be measured and careful. One of the best things about him is that he always eats what I put in front of him...

Hallie, on the other hand, is, well, Hallie! She is as gung-ho as she has always been. She is a beautiful soul and although her and Aden differ in so many things still, they do share the same caring and thoughtful manner. Hallie is never short of a cuddle and kiss. She's very patient and deals with Aden's occasional moods with an almost nonchalant manner. Her creativity has really came on leaps and bounds and is at her happiest when crafting. I get worried when she says she hates being the only girl and it near broke my heart the first time she said it but we are working on it. I only wish she wasn't so picky with food! It's a real worry for me and I hope in time she'll stop being as picky as her mam and she'll start eating anything just like I do!

Again, I cannot emphasise how proud of them I am. They really are very special. How they have dealt with the last few years is simply quite incredible. I am under no illusion that we still have a distance to go yet but we have done pretty good up to this point. They are never short of hugs or requesting them, by Whatsapp if you are Aden or by means of a wonderful piece of art if you are Hallie. 

Me? I'm the same but different. I think it's evitable that I was going to change. In many ways, I guess I had to. I am now a combination of the person I have always been and the person the experiences of the last few years have made me. I am now more open with emotions and feelings, those emotions and feelings that the Past Me, the Pre-Trauma me, The Pre-Mask me, would have hidden or suppressed more. The New Version Of Me knows how short life is and is determined to live it. I have always been pragmatic and that part of my character has served me well and I have faith that it will continue to do so. However, being me now can be quite hard to reconcile at times; there is a lot of guilt, overthinking and second guessing but I feel that I need to start living my life again and, from the outside, rightly or wrongly, I have another chance to do exactly that. Life is different when you actually realise how short it is. It is one of lifes great ironies that to truly appreciate the one life we have we need to experience loss. The reality is that I am here, in my mid 50s, healthy and in fairly decent condition, so I presume that I have 20 (hopefully) good years ahead of me. 20 years to be the best me for my children. 20 years teaching them to embrace life and be the best they can be. 20 years to be us and 20 years to be me. I hope this new version of me is an improvement and the kids benefit from who I have become. My sole aim in life is to be the best version of me for them. When my brother Patrick passed away from cancer in 2008 his son, who was 18 at the time, said in his eulogy at the funeral these simple words: "he was my hero". That is what I aspire to be to them. Isn't that what we all aspire to be to our children in one form or another?

So when I started writing this I said it was mainly for the kids and secondly for me, then for anyone else in a similar situation. Recently I have thought more and more about the latter category. Leaving the kids something from me after I am gone was, and still is, one of the main drivers but I have come to realise that there are so many people out there on their own struggling day to day. Their circumstances may differ slightly but the issues are still the same and more often that not, come with high levels of individual stress and anxiety. I wasn't being naïve in thinking that I am the only single parent in the world but it takes on a more personal aspect when you appreciate how tough life can actually be as a single parent. I like that social media acts as some sort of time capsule for the kids, something they can look back on and see what was happening but I also appreciate that, in the main, we only post the good stuff and no-one gets to see that the great majority of the time, the day to day stuff is a real struggle. Social media, in that respect, is a metaphor for life; despite how it appears, no-one gets to see behind the scenes. No one gets to see or perhaps doesn't quite realise, the constant chore of the everyday tasks; the organising, the cleaning, the planning and the general hardship that is single parenting. The majority of the time I am probably high level multi-tasking (yes, a man, multitasking) but I am blissfully unaware that I am doing so. It's both physically and mentally exhausting and there's no break from it. There's no "can you take over for an hour while I chill out" or even "can you cook tonight". Doing all this stuff is hard. From the moment I wake until they sleep at night it's a constant struggle to balance life and the kids. The little things that most would take for granted are so time consuming. I try to prioritise things and although a day in the life of me isn't easy, I manage. Sadly, many don't but conversely, many do, and actually excel. No-one wants a medal for this or even recognition, just awareness I guess. I recently read something someone wrote called The Mental Load. The article outlined the challenges of motherhood, the constant project management and organising and prioritising. The writer of the piece admitted that it's not the doing that is wholly the issue, it's more the continually thinking for those that rely on you and therefore not having any time for herself. I feel like this is exactly what it has been like for me these last two years. I feel too that many people don't understand the fundamental hardship of having "200 tabs open at the same time and switching off may result in losing them all". This isn't a judgment on anyone, it is simply an observation that people don't really understand something until they have truly experienced it themselves. Just like when people would say "you got this" and "don't sweat the small stuff". Whilst that is an appreciated sentiment, it isn't the best advice to hear. I live the Small Stuff. The Small Stuff has to be done daily lest it turns into something Bigger. Plus who else is going to do it? The writer also begs that same sentiment; she would like, just for a change, for someone to make a decision, to write a list or know what comes next. I have felt the direct consequences of all of this recently. I have no real advice for anyone in this situation apart from seek help if you need it. You are not alone. It's difficult but I've decided to give some time to me now and I'm trying to find some balance in my life. It's difficult as it seems almost selfish, even though I know it ultimately isn't. I am learning to make decisions regarding The Small Stuff and actually prioritise when it needs doing or if it actually needs doing at all. It's a change of mindset and that's the biggest challenge. I think our future happiness depends on it. It just seemed so alien two years ago to think of this actual future, never mind say it out loud, but I need to accept that my future is different now from how it looked then. Back then Laura would have to force me to talk about this current future but I didn't want to know, I found it too difficult to talk about, too difficult to perceive. But that future is here. No-one has any idea of what the future holds and as I have said previously, I try not to look too far into it but I know the decisions I make now aren't irreversible. So those decisions I will continue to make until the kids are truly independent, in the hope that both me and the children learn from them and refer to them to give us the best chance on our journey. I hope, in time, the children will realise that what I did I did for us and them. Although we live in the here and now, every now and then I will consider the then but will stay here in the now. As the now is what will shape us and our future.