The First Of Many Firsts

Yesterday I went on holiday with the kids for the first time. We are at the Hobbit Hole in North Shire, North Yorkshire. In a sad twist of fate, Laura booked this holiday two years ago but it was cancelled due to Covid. So here we are, on a holiday she booked for us, without her. 

I have found the days leading up to this trip hard. There has been a general feeling of trepidation. It is the first real first of many firsts. Yes, there have been a few firsts before this; the first time we had Sunday Dinner at home without her, the first time we went out for a meal or the cinema without her or the first time I took the kids to a party without her. But this one is different. She would have been organised and had a plan. Things that I'm a little more loose with. It's not for the want of trying to do that planning/organising thing, it's just my heart has been so heavy at the thought of going without her. After all it was only eight weeks ago we went to Edinburgh for weekend to see The Lion King. Just eight weeks ago. Together. As a unit. As a family. 

She was really looking forward to coming here. It was something a little different. A real Hobbit Hole. She booked a Hobbit Hole in the Lake District once, but it was just a basic room built into a hill. It wasn't proper Hobbit Hole like this. In her heart I knew she was a little disappointed as it wasn't exactly what she had hoped or imagined, such was her eye for detail. But this is exactly the sort of thing that she strived to do for the kids. She always wanted to do and try new things for them. She booked Lapland UK a few years ago and it was absolutely magical. Her reaction to the look on the kids faces was as memorable as theirs. It was exactly the same as her face when watching the kids faces at the opening refrain of "Ah Zabenya" at The Lion King. There were tears. From both of us. It was a beautiful moment that will live with me forever. Just at that instant as the show started, Laura tapped me quietly on the shoulder and with tears in her eyes nodded in the direction of the kids and there they were, faces transfixed, eyes wide in wonder with beaming smiles. It was just perfect. 

Of course it was even more emotional as Laura knew that moments like these with the kids would be her last. We already knew that her time with us was short. We were, at that point, three months into the year that she had been given. It never stopped her planning though. She wanted to do so many things with the kids that ultimately we will never do together. She booked a trip to the real Lapland this winter and also tea at the Ritz and Phantom Of The Opera (our favourite that we have seen many times, including Vegas) in London for us. But the dream was to take the kids to Disneyland. She wanted that so badly. It was the main thing on her Living List. She was on the verge of booking it when her condition suddenly worsened. I will take them at one point but I imagine that it will be every bit as hard as this simple trip has been emotionally, whether it's next year or in five years time. 

So this has just been a simple trip. A few days away in a place a mere hours drive from home but I feel her loss more keenly right now as I have ever felt it. It pains me to know that we will never go places together as a family, with her making that experience magical and thoughtful and as well planned as only she could. It hurts even more when I look back knowing that she knew that. This has been the first of many firsts but the first of many firsts is infinitely less painful than the last of many lasts.