Primary

Laura was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer in July 2020. She had no real history of cancer in her family. She was in good health, she didn't drink much, she didn't smoke and was slim. Laura was, as we were told, unlucky. There was no other medical reason. She had a lumpectomy to remove the cancerous lump from her left breast and the removal of 3 lymph nodes for biopsy. In August she underwent an operation to fully remove her lymph nodes, a full node clearance, from under her left arm. She didn't require a mastectomy, which she was grateful for. To be honest I didn't even know what lymph nodes were and worse, I didn't know how important they are. Lymph nodes are small structures that work as filters for harmful substances. They contain immune cells that can help fight infection by attacking and destroying germs that are carried in through the lymph fluid. Google it, we did. Obviously the removal of lymph nodes wasn't good. Even with my very limited knowledge, the removal of anything that helped to fight infection wouldn't be. 

On the 21st of August, on the day of our 10th wedding anniversary, Laura had her first ever chemo; EC, a combination of two chemotherapy drugs, Epirubicin and Cyclophosphamide. Immediately after her treatment we went to a local pub and had some lunch. When we looked back at that day we laughed at the fact that she had just had chemo but felt well enough to go get something to eat! However, with the kids away with family, when we got back home it hit her. I also have to add at this point we had, before the diagnosis, decided the renovate the house. We had basically ripped the house apart; tore down walls, plastered every wall and ceiling, tore up floors, new plumbing, electrics and windows, not just during her diagnosis and subsequent treatment but this was also during covid and lockdown. So later that afternoon, when we got home, she started to feel very unwell. The smell of the wet plaster in our room was making her feel worse, so she curled up in a ball in Aden's bed. For hours she was in severe pain, feeling sick without being sick, crying and twitching and in her own words, "she felt like she was dying". All that week she was ill. She had no appetite, was in pain (despite the painkillers), was generally sore and there was nothing I could do to help. I just had to be there. That same feeling of helplessness would continue for the next two years. She had four treatments of EC every three weeks and then moved onto weekly treatments of Paclitaxel for the next 12 weeks. This took us through Christmas and into February. She then had 15 sessions Radiotherapy plus another five booster sessions. Eventually, at the end of April 2021, 230 days later, Laura rung the bell. 

Of course I knew Laura would come through it. After the initial shock and the first chemo sessions, Laura did what Laura does; she coped. Her strength of character shone through. Laura was a very focused woman. She was details, she was financially astute and domestically organised. We found that the house renovation was a bonus as it gave her something to focus on. Laura had an eye for design and the house reflects her talent in that respect. The previous owner of our house sadly lost her husband and sold it to us as the house held too many memories for her. I will never leave this house for that exact reason. I doubt that I'll even change the colour scheme or fittings. Her mark is all over this house and as painful that may sometimes be, it is also comforting. If I was giving anyone advice about the challenges of coping with cancer it is exactly that. Find a focus. Find something you can put your heart into. It will keep you occupied and give you a sense of achievement. Not that actually coping with cancer, never mind surviving it, can be seen as anything less than a wonderful achievement, but that "thing" will give you an additional sense of being able to cope with anything life throws at you. You will look back with enormous pride at everything that you have accomplished during that time, big or small, exactly as I do of her. She renovated a whole house yes, but she also continued being an amazing mother, wife, sister, auntie and friend. She never once stopped to feel sorry for herself, she didn't want pity or sympathy, she just wanted to continue being herself. Actually, she kept it all pretty much on the quiet. There were no check-ins at hospital on Facebook or anything to suggest what she was going through on social media until she actually rang the bell. Cancer influenced her but it didn't change her. Like anyone with cancer she began to see things differently. She invested time and energy into being positive, in making memories, of seizing the day. She altered her diet but didn't cut out the things she liked, she simply added more healthy, balanced foods and supplements. This is why I knew she would beat it. I believe that although there's no real medical evidence to suggest it actually does, but having a positive mindset is half the battle. And that exactly what she had. And it was amazing to witness.

The hardest part of this whole period, and there are obviously a long list of hardships that come with being diagnosed with cancer, came from somewhere we hadn't considered. When Laura's hair began to fall out, she decided to shave it off. However, we didn't think about how much this would effect the kids, Hallie especially. She was 4; a head full of princesses, unicorns and rainbows, and to see her mam, her hero, bald, was too much for her. She cried and cried and couldn't look at Laura at all. It was utterly heart-breaking for us both but it really hurt Laura. That night we cried a lot, wishing that we had approached it differently. We wished we had took into consideration how it would effect her 4 year old mind. We felt guilty for upsetting her and made a promise to her that we'd make sure that Laura either wore a headscarf or had her wig on. We had to make sure that she wouldn't walk in on Laura too. "Can I come in?" she'd often ask from outside our bedroom door. We didn't tell the kids that Laura had cancer, we thought it best just to say she was unwell but the doctors are making her better and the medication had certain side effects. We didn't mention cancer as they had saw adverts and those adverts, to a child's mind, could be scary if you knew your mam had it. 

So she rang the bell. The all clear. She still had pain and had mild lymphedema of her left arm but she had a renewed positivity. Yes, there was always a worry that it would come back but I believe everyone who recovers from cancer has that same worry. It may sound silly but we actually believed it wouldn't. It was bad luck that got us here. They said the odds of it returning were about 20 to 25% but usually less. I mean, no one could be that unlucky could they?

Addendum: Hallie, I know that sometime in the future you will read this and may feel sad at recalling your reaction to Mam losing her hair. Please do not. You were a little girl and Mammy and me fully understand your reaction. It was our fault. We misjudged it. We love you both very much. We always will.