In the beginning I thought that the future was similar to that of a high wire balancing act and all I had to do was make my way along the wire, holding only a balance pole with Life at one end of the pole and The Kids at the other. Of course every so often there would be times when I would have to stop as the balance of Life and The Kids would cause me to wobble. Once I felt I'd gained some semblance of equilibrium I would gingerly continue on. Never once did I consider that the one thing that would endanger my high wire act would be me. It seems that I neglected to take into account how integral my own mental welfare would be to this whole act. And an act is what it is. Everyday is one big act. I believed that the act would get better and easier with time and practice but sadly that isn't the case. Everything just gets harder. The theatrical mask is slipping and wearing thin. The act is wearing thin. Balancing is becoming harder and when I cast a furtive glance below me there doesn't seem to be a safety net.
This is not the first time I've been here. I have had these issues before, we all have, but not like this. I have never felt so little in control of things as I do now. I feel that I'm only just keeping all this together. Only just.
Firstly though, I need to recognise how I got to this point. Over the last few months I have felt the threat of the dreaded Second Year on my shoulder. It doesn't have any real discernable form, it's just a lurking notion that things are going to get more difficult. All the while I have managed to stay positive through the love and support of friends and family. They have kept me emotionally balanced. There are ever present stresses; The DWP, for example, constantly put pressure on me to get another job as my 9 hours at school doesn't satisfy their algorithm. They don't take into consideration that when I'm not working I'm being a full time parent. I know there are other single parents that hold down jobs and look after children and that my situation isn't unique, but to me it is and I struggle. For the DWP, it's black and white and I find the pressure of that only adds more worry. So given that I struggle to get everything done with the hours I already have, I, rather naively, decided that I'd apply to do a Level 2 Teaching Assistant course online. I did this to appease the DWP and it's also something I really want to do but within a week I realised that the 18 hours study I had to do was just too much. I suddenly started panicking about the workload. I had felt that I had overreached and the realization that I couldn't do it as well as my job and look after the kids, was strangely too hard to bear. This then became the catalyst to the floodgates opening. I flicked a switch. I opened Pandoras Box. I couldn't put my finger on it but suddenly over the space of a few days everything changed. I lost my appetite, I couldn't sleep, I was shaking constantly, I had completely lost my motivation and I felt frustratingly lethargic. I couldn't go to the toilet, I constantly felt nauseous and my head was continually sore and stuffy. I was having overwhelming feelings of sadness and, most telling of all, I felt like I was being a burden to the friends that were trying to help me. I felt trapped. I felt there was no escape. I felt like I was falling to pieces and while I was trying to hold all the pieces in place, I was also trying to hold the mask up. The Mask was still preventing me from opening up entirely to anyone. The sheer folly of this was only exacerbating the issue. It was hard to tell anyone this, not out of pride, but more because I couldn't explain it. I needed to do something, so I made the decision to book a doctors appointment. After a lengthy discussion he unsurprisingly diagnosed me with depression and anxiety.
So here I am, The Second Year has arrived. The First Year was full of firsts; things that kept me busy and occupied. But all the time every one of those things were slowly draining me, I was using up all my energy on carrying on and hiding behind The Mask. I am now running on empty. I didn't devote any time to Me, to allow Me to recharge. I gave so much into keeping it all together that I seem to have run out of everything entirely. Then on top of that there is the crushing realisation that there is no quick fix. This is long term. The high wire has just gotten longer and more treacherous and when I was up there, concentrating so much on The Kids and Life on my balance pole, I forgot to check my own balance. Sadly this is still the case as I write this down. All those feelings are still here; overwhelming me, draining me, making me cry suddenly and for no apparent reason, causing me to lose sleep, confusing my thoughts, distorting my love, stealing my motivation, making me want to hide away, and that same feeling of being a burden that is stopping me from sending a message of help to a friend. Anytime I try to get a little positivity, something happens, just a random thought or doubt and I'm back there again. I'm trying so hard but my emotional state seems to be snowballing out of control and I don't know how to halt it. The doctor suggested medication and/or therapy and has given me time to come to an informed decision but in the meantime all those feelings are still here. And it's crushing me.
The mask was there to cover the turmoil, to project confidence, control. The mask was meant to make things easier while I made all the adjustments I had to make. But instead it just made things harder. The longer you wear it, the heavier it gets. And the heavier it gets, the more you lose of yourself. I thought I was brave putting a face on but it isn't brave at all. The bravest and best option is often the hardest one. So this is it. I've took off The Mask and I'm asking for help. I simply can't cope on my own. I will still be walking the high wire but I need that safety net. I need to know it's there.
All the while I just want to be happy again. I'd even be content going back a couple of months so I could perhaps see the change and adapt better but you can't reinvent history. There is a certain inevitability about this that I need to embrace. The me I want to be and could be seems so very far away. But I will get there. I've inched my foot out tentatively and I can feel the wire oscillating under it. I'm checking my balance. I cast a quick glance at Life and The Kids at either end of my pole and I check my balance again. The pole is shaking. I am shaking. I can't remember a time when I was so afraid, that all this responsibility for everything mattered so much. For the first time in forever I check to see if there actually is the safety net that I so desperately need.
And I take that step.
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