As I've mentioned before, most days we look at Facebook memories on Laura's phone as the kids like to look at the photos on her page. Her page is obviously still active and she is still a member of quite a few Facebook groups. They are mostly local interest, celebrity or lifestyle based. However, one of those groups is a Secondary Breast Cancer group. When I open her page there is usually a post from that group at the top. I only ever briefly scan that post and I never open the group up properly. There are two reasons for this. For one, it simply doesn't feel right. This is a closed group for women with SBC to share their concerns, worries and fears with other women in exactly the same situation, so I feel like I would be eavesdropping on their private affairs. The other reason is simply that all of their stories would break your heart. These woman have metastatic cancer, it cannot be cured. They know, like Laura did, the finality of their situation. However, the common thread I see, beside the incredible bravery of these women, is the struggle they have with help, in respect to both asking for help and dealing with offers of help.
Now, it's hard to write about this without sounding critical but the idea is to make you think. This has been on my mind for a long time now and it was a topic of conversation with my counsellor. Please read it and take on board what I'm saying without guilt, remorse or regret. On many occasions situations like these are new for everyone involved and unfortunately we only learn lessons from hindsight.
We all know someone in need. Sadly, I have never been so aware of so many people I know with cancer but It doesn't have to be cancer, someone you know needs help.
So.
There were times, especially after Laura's secondary diagnosis (today marks that 2 year anniversary) and also after she had left us, that we were inundated with messages of help. "Anything at all, just shout or let me know". The thing is, and I know this to be true of both myself and Laura, asking for help isn't an easy thing. I expect it is the same with many others. This isn't always down to stubbornness or pride, it's just that it's hard, for me personally, to categorise that help. I know what I struggle with and it's the every day things; housework, walking the dog and just your good old common motivation. These are things that everyone struggles with so it hardly seems worth shouting about. However, Laura simply wanted normality in her life. She didn't really want grand gestures. She wanted a cuppa, a biscuit and someone to pop by and talk about the every day stuff. Not cancer, sympathy, pity or general awkwardness, just friendship and a smile and a bit of gossip. This proved difficult though as generally people, unsurprisingly, couldn't see past the harsh emotion of it all. I've said this before but "you got this" is not what anyone with SBC wants to hear.
Now this is the important bit: if they refuse because they don't feel up to it, don't give up. It may simply be that; they don't feel up to it. Try again tomorrow or the day after. Never presume that because your help wasn't required one day that it's always going to be that way. Keep trying. Again, if you truly care-Don't. Give. Up. Of course, there is a fine line here, but the benefits far outweigh anything else.
The last thing I want to do is sound judgmental or ungrateful. I don't want anyone who was close to Laura to feel bad in anyway. Don't overthink it. It was a first for everyone and the love and support was unconditional and gratefully received. But would it not be the best thing if we learned something from it, something we could pass on? I still get messages of support and help to this day and it means the world to me. It has also made me see things in a different light. I feel I have to pass it on. I no longer sit on a message to someone who I think I should tell how much I appreciate and love them. I make it known. Go see that person. Drop them a note.
There are lessons here. For everyone.
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