Dear Laura

Dear Laura,

It's nearly Christmas, your favourite time of the year. The time of the year when your organisational skills really shone through. You did everything. Absolutely everything. I just nodded approval and said yes when I had to.

So with that in mind, things are going okay. I've tried to be as organised as you and I genuinely believe/hope you'll think I've done a decent job. I've tried to keep up with your little traditions; Christmas movie nights with picky tea and hot chocolate, teepees in the living room, Fenwicks window (which wasn't that great), matching pyjamas, secret Santa gifts done, cards done by them for their classmates, personalised letters from Santa, panto and all that. The one thing I haven't done, much to Hallie's consternation, is the Elf On The Shelf. I simply don't have time and between you and me, I'm secretly glad. It was a pain having to do it every night in previous years and with them still in our bed it would have been too difficult to sneak downstairs every night. Instead they got a letter from Santa telling them that they didn't need the elf due to them being brave all year, so therefore they were already on the Good List. I backed this up with a couple of early gifts. It generally worked, although Hallie still says she misses Elfie every so often. 

I've had a proper go at getting the presents and I've wrapped them all up too. I must remember give myself more time to do that next year as I woefully underestimated how long it would take. When I got to the forth hour of wrapping, some gifts where more cellotape than paper and my old knees were audibly groaning (or was that me) with kneeling on the living room floor, ankle deep in discarded off cuts of paper. It'll also be strange this year as I'll know what they are getting. Sometimes I used to get as much of a surprise as they did when they opened their presents! 

I have also managed to keep Lapland a secret! I know, go me. I can't wait to see their faces. I know when you booked it, it was a massive thing for you and I wish more than anything that you were here to experience it. I've planned a little reveal the night before with a letter from Santa and an invite to come to Lapland to see him. It'll be amazing and the perfect start to their Christmas. 

Also, I know for sure you'll appreciate this, I've already booked holidays for next year! I'm taking them to Butlins at Easter break and we're going to Majorca during the summer holidays. We're going to the resort you wanted to go to apparently. I chose it before I realised that it was one that you had earmarked. The Signs were too strong to ignore. It'll be a challenge just the three of us but I'm sure we'll be okay. So yes, booked holidays, in December. I'm getting the hang of it!

The kids are doing okay. Hallie is still driving me bonkers on occasion but she gives me a drawing everyday telling me I'm the best and that she loves me. The festive season has resulted in her creativity going into overdrive. She's made crackers with gifts and jokes in (she asked Alexa for the jokes, not me you'll be glad to hear), she's made Santa, reindeers, Christmas trees etc out of airclay and Aquabeads and an endless stream of cards and drawings. Her drawings still include you of course. I'm particularly fond of a Christmas themed one of us where I was wearing some sort of top hat and you and I are eating a large ice cream cone. Aden is doing fine too. His hair is growing which I quite like. Not crazy long, more of a 90s feel to it! He spends a lot of time on screen, possibly too much but I don't think it's having a detrimental effect on him. It's easy to worry in regard to this but then I see how much of a lovely young man he is becoming. He is very considerate and polite and has a quiet assurance about him which I am very proud of. Of course there are occasions when it's not all good times. Times when, in essence, they are being children and testing the boundaries. I must admit I have lost my temper with them more than a few times, then felt that guilty way afterwards. I try not to hang on to my annoyance like I used to and I now shake it off quicker than before. I realised I was hanging onto my disappointment to teach them a lesson, that bad behaviour has consequences, but I've realised that it's a lesson that can be talked about instead of the counterproductive silent treatment. So we move on and talk about it. I'm learning. Most of the time it's me saying sorry, that it's difficult trying to be both you and me, and we hug it out. Aden has even said "I'm sorry" on occasion. Remember when he was little he wouldn't say it, even though we knew he wanted to? Well, he does now. So, we are doing okay. They are also doing well at school and the staff at school are being everything we had hoped they'd be. And more.

Me? I'm okay too. Some days are harder than others and on occasion I allow myself a little moment to miss you more. I guess I still bottle it up. As we approach Christmas, I feel I have regressed back to last summer, when I kept myself busy so I didn't have to think about how much I miss you. Last Christmas was our last Christmas and that's hard to think about, so I don't. Or I try not to. There have been many First Of Many Firsts but I guess this is the First Of Many Major Firsts. When the diagnosis was confirmed we did hope we'd get another Christmas, but that wasn't to be. So here we are. The first one without you. I'll set a place at the table for you. It will be there all day. Your place. Here. At home. With us.

Merry Christmas.

We love and miss you.

Me and the kids x