The Holiday

A couple of weeks ago we went on holiday for eight days in Majorca. This was the first major holiday that I've been away with them on my own. I have to admit that I was becoming more and more nervous in the weeks leading up to our departure as there are just so many things to consider prior to leaving; clothes and getting it all packed, transfers, getting to the airport, how they are going to be on the flight, the whole airport check in malarkey and customs. Needless to say I worried about these things a little more that I should have as it all went fairly smoothly, or as smooth as I could have wished for anyway. In the past all this stuff, like everything else, was Laura's remit. She applied her usual high organisational skills to holidays in the same way she organised birthdays, Christmas, parties, other peoples parties, you name it, she organised it. Basically I was only there for the heavy lifting. So with that in mind, I found it a bit of a challenge. 

There was also the underlying aspect that not only was this holiday my first on my own with them but I knew in my heart that it would be difficult mentally without her. Being on your own with the kids as the only adult can be quite lonely in some aspects, there's obviously going to be times when I'd overthink it and miss her presence more than normal. It turns out I was right and I did. She would have loved it. I know this as a fact because she actually chose the resort. It transpired that when I was looking at the options for a suitable resort, I had narrowed it down to two. The one I liked was a little more expensive but I was still drawn to it. In the end I just decided to go for it. The travel agent, who is also a friend that advised Laura on many occasions before, told me after I had chosen that specific one that Laura had wanted to go to that exact resort instead of the one we went to 6 years ago. Unfortunately back then the dates didn't work out, so Laura chose elsewhere. So Laura had made the decision. I, as normal, was just trusting her choice. Some will say that it was A Sign and I'm completely happy to go along with that. Either way, she chose well. The resort was great and the kids loved it. That made it all the more bittersweet. Everything we did I felt Laura's presence with us. Every morning and generally throughout the day, I had a some inner dialogue with her on what should I do and what was the best plan. On the second day they got a bit of sunburn. It was incredibly hot and I did try to keep the factor 50 topped up but to no avail. I felt terrible and could hear Laura chastising me in my head constantly. It would take another 24 hours before she stopped! I actually told the kids that Mam is raging with me. 

On another occasion I was sitting in the shade of the swim up bar sipping a cocktail. Yes, a cocktail. I had allowed myself a little drink now and then. The kids had drunk their milkshakes and we're now messing around with each other in the pool in front of me. It was very hot and the warm sun was shining, music was playing behind the bar and there was the general buzz of happy people enjoying their holiday. I looked to my side to say to Laura how wonderful it is to see them playing with each other like this, that they are having such a great time and how much it warms my heart to see them happy and laughing. But like the many scenarios like this that I experience often, Laura isn't there. It still happens when I'm driving. I look to my left only to see an the empty seat. It also happens when I'm on the sofa watching TV. I turn to look to my right where Laura always sat and she isn't there on her phone and watching the soaps at the same time. These times have become the norm but being on holiday is completely different. Holidays are for family. It was her time. The effort she put into the planning would be rewarded by times likes these; smiling happy kids. Sitting there on my own at the pool bar my heart sunk to unimaginable depths. Sadness shadowed me, my eyes grateful to be hidden behind my sunglasses. The kids shouted me, rescuing me from the sinking feeling in my chest. I put my half drunk cocktail on the bar, packed my grief away once more and swam over to them, my face smiling and happy.

The kids make friends easily. It's a very pleasing part of their character. Aden made friends with a boy who was on holiday with his parents. As this boy didn't have a sister, Hallie was feeling a little left out. However she befriended one of the girls in the entertainment team. The girl, Alicia, was very open to her friendship, always giving her a cuddle or a wave whenever she saw Hallie and Hallie constantly told me that she wanted to give her little gifts and things that she made. Unfortunately the night before we left Hallie got very upset because she realised that she'd never see Alicia again. It wasn't long ago that Hallie, during a little down moment, told me that she didn't like being the only girl in the family now. I felt incredibly sad for her. Much to my shame I'd never once considered that angle. This sprung to my mind when she got upset that night. I guess she misses that female element sometimes, and on this holiday there was a lack of opportunity to make any girl friends. It's something I need to be wary of more. It's important that she doesn't feel that way, or she doesn't feel disadvantaged by it. I made an important note to self.

When you get married you always imagine the holidays you'll hopefully go on together and later as a family. Me and Laura travelled to some amazing places and we often spoke about the places we'd like to take them and even spoke of the places we'd like to go on our own once they were grown up. Now when I see holiday adverts on tv with couples or happy family groups and it makes me miss her even more. Little things like these catch you unaware sometimes. Just knowing that that is gone now is quite hard to deal with. But again, like I did at the pool bar, and all those other fairly innocuous examples, I tuck it away and remember a Whatsapp message Laura sent to me from hospital when we first got The News, "you've got them, you can do it. Make sure they have a full and happy life".

So secretly I am fairly pleased with the way the week went. There were a few issues here and there but generally it went as well as it could. I feel now that I've done it that I have learned a little more about myself, how I'm coping and how things are going. While going on holiday isn't the definitive gauge, it is another step in the right direction. It's easy to be hard on myself on occasion and I know that I certainly can be guilty of that but we make a good team. We've still got a long way to go but maybe I'm beginning to feel like I'm actually getting more right than I am wrong and I am going to do everything I can to make sure that they both have those full and happy lives.