Dear Laura

Hey,

Just thought I'd give you a little update on how things are. We are okay. Well, as okay as can be. Time marches on. The nights are getting brighter and our bedroom is once again flooded in sunlight, when it is actually sunny, in the early evening. You know I've never had any sort of seasonal disorder, each season for me has it's own uniqueness that triggers happy memories and inspires and heralds change. However, you spent a lot of time in bed this time last year and the change in the season hit me a little unexpectedly. I recall those bright, sunnier evenings whether you were up there resting and I'd come up to check on you or when we were all up there doing homework, drying hair or just laughing, reading and playing. The warmth and light that fills the room is still beautiful but I have a little empty feeling deep inside. Don't fret though, they fill it when they come upstairs and start jumping on the bed! I even allow Teddy to come up occasionally.

They are still sleeping in here with me. I have suggested that we try one night in their own rooms but that was knocked on the head due to Hallie having a little wobble recently. She started crying a lot and didn't want to leave me to go to school. She has struggled a bit of late, not in school, they both had great feedback at the Parents Evening, it's just the idea of leaving me it seems. It took me a while to realise what brought it on but I'm guessing that it was due to Mothers Day. I imagine it brought it home to her when all the kids in her class were making Mothers Day stuff. They did make some Mothers Day things but mainly they made more stuff for me instead. Sorry! It seems I'm getting the joy of Mothers Day and Fathers Day. I don't want to her to cry and get upset but in some ways I'm glad she is as it signals that she has started to process things. Her journey has begun. We draw little things on our the palm of our hands with Sharpies in the morning, a "cuddle button" it's called. When she feels sad she can press it and I'll press mine at home too. In true Hallie style it started with one love heart but it has now morphed into both hands and a selection of stars, smiley faces, Minions and animals. She has also asked to take a picture of me in. So I punched a hole in a passport photo and she wears it on a chain around her neck. I know. Don't make that face. She's happy and it works. The fear is what she'll add to the chain! The school are turning a blind eye to it I think as jewellery probably isn't allowed and she doesn't wear it on PE days. They both tell me how much they miss you more often and there are a few tears. We still look at your phone every evening and I've never been so grateful for all your saved Snapchats as I am now. They often replace the tears with smiles. You always said that we should do more videos. I need to remember to do that. The ones we have are priceless. 

Aden is okay. I've finished his room at last. It's very cool. I'm sure you, well, I hope you would approve of what I done. Little grown up touches just like you wanted. I've put a shelf above his bed with cool stuff on it and now he has his PS5 in there he's spending a bit more time in it. Due to FIFA23 he's suddenly taken in interest in football and every time he comes home from school he goes out the back garden to kick his ball about. It's a little less screen time so I'm happy that he does that.

Hallie is still drawing and crafting. The only time she stops is to go on her exercise bar. Oh, I forgot to say, she won gold medal at her first gymnastics competition! I was in tears. Aden was cuddling me when he saw I was crying. He knew I wasn't upset but happy and his reaction on top of my pride in Hallie's achievement just made the whole experience a whole lot better. I so wished you were there to see it. My heart was bursting. I let out a Yes! when they said her name, like Celtic had scored a last minute winner or Josh Allen nailed a touchdown! It's another one of those occasions to add to the unending list of "wish you were here" moments.

They both enjoyed our Easter trip to Butlins. I felt it a little bittersweet at times as I remembered our trip with them but it was still lots of fun. However, one night, as we were all squashed into our double bed, Aden asked me what cancer actually is, as to him, you appeared healthy. I explained as best I could and basically told them that you/we were very unlucky. I knew right there where this was going and I had no way of stopping it as Hallie said, "but you are healthy too Daddy." And down the rabbit hole we went. Don't worry, they were okay. I convinced them, rightly or wrongly, that I'm going to be here for a long time as we are a team and that you were still looking after us. The thought is probably still there but it's just about managing it as I go. 

Generally, I feel my routine with them is improving. Bedtimes in particular are getting better. However I still get frustrated at times and I'm prone to snapping at them. We always make up though with the obligatory kisses and cuddles. I'm doing my best. I always hope that they know that. I know you do.

I've been thinking more and more about work and finances recently too. Don't panic, it's not like I haven't always been thinking about our finances. I know that that sentence alone has got you worried. Finances and all that were always your thing. Sometimes, I'll admit, I worry too. Then I think why should I? We've got to enjoy this life. They've got to enjoy this life. I know you were frugal, always had that rainy day fund. I always thought you worried a bit too much about that rainy day if truth be told, even though you were ultimately right in doing so. But we have had our rainy day and as much as I worry about their future, you made me promise to make sure they lived their lives as full as possible, so that I'm doing. There will always be rainy days ahead, so even if we don't have an umbrella it's okay to get a little wet sometimes. I'll go back to work at some point. I know, another worrying sentence. I'm just not ready. It's as simple as that. What's the sense in even going part-time with the summer holidays fast approaching? The DWP seem to understand that, although every week they are making me jump through more hoops and tick more boxes to get to that point. So I'll wait until the holidays are over. Again, don't panic. I have a plan. A loose plan. Let's call it fluid. You know what I'm like. 

As I said at the beginning, time marches on. We are getting closer to that date. I have an eye on it. In the meantime we are filling our time and planning, we are growing and learning. The kids planted tulips for you in the planter outside last October and how they have bloomed. They are both colourful and vibrant. There is no clever metaphor here, so you don't need to roll your eyes and call me a smartass. Your cherry tree, like the tulips, is blooming too. You provided the colour, warmth and beauty both inside and out. We still feel it and still see it. 

Love you always,

Us x

The Return

At Easter I took the kids to Butlins for a little break. This was five years after Laura and I took them to the same resort. Prior to booking I didn't quite anticipate how much returning there, to a place we'd been before, would effect me. On numerous occasions I watched the 2018 us in the same way Hollywood depicts a dream or memory scene with the main character watching himself in the past as if he was present in both timelines while the past version was totally unaware of his existence. 

On one occasion I was standing at the window of our second floor apartment room looking down at us as we walked along the path between the accommodation blocks. It was early evening, Laura was laughing and joking with an animated four year old Aden, who was pulling her along by the hand, excited about the evening ahead. I was walking behind her, carrying Hallie, who had probably walked a few yards before asking to be picked up. I was turning around in circles as I walked, her laugh while being spun around barely audible from the distance. We were probably on our way to dinner and a show as we were all dressed smartly. The scene was fleeting as they passed by, obscured by trees.

The sun was shining and me and the kids were walking along by The Diner and the ice cream parlour on the way to the swimming when I watched all of us go by on a Go Kart for four. It was one of those with a canopied roof. The kids were strapped into the front and we were in the seats behind them. Although it looked like we were both pedalling, it was obvious that I was doing the work and Laura was going through the motions. She was leaning forward trying to take photos of them on her phone. The kids were pointing at the ice cream parlour and as they pedalled by and I could hear Laura saying "Okay when we bring the Kart back we'll go if you face me for a photo". I was turning to say something to her but by that time they had gone past and I watched over my shoulder as they turned a corner and disappeared out of sight. 

We were standing in the queue to get our pictures taken with Peppa Pig and George in front of the green screen and ahead of us I watched us getting our pictures taken with Billy and Bonnie, the Butlins bears. I was standing with Aden in front of me with a hand on his shoulder and Laura was beside me holding Hallie in her arms. Both the kids had their toy Billy and Bonnie bears and Laura looked lovely in a red top and long back skirt. I watched myself ask if I could quickly take a picture of them with my phone before the next people in the queue were ushered forward by the Red Coat. I then watched us walk away into the crowd, Laura still carrying Hallie, the sky blue of her Monsoon dress brightly contrasted against Laura's red. 

I'm sitting at a table on my own while the kids are sitting on the floor in front of the stage watching The Skyline Gang perform one of their many song and dance routines. From a distance I'm watching the kids like a hawk. They are happy; Aden is jumping up to see if he can get a high five from one of the Gang and Hallie is waving her flag of Rainbow the Dog from their act and holding her Rainbow cuddly toy, a sure sign to the Gang that she was a fan. Sitting at the table I turn around to the seat beside me in the same way that I still do when I'm driving, but it's empty. Laura-less. My heart sinks. I look around me. Every single table is taken up by complete family units. Happy, smiling, family units. I'm smiling through it. I'm smiling because I have to, because I need to. Returning has been difficult, I just didn't realise how difficult it would be. It is somehow different from frequenting restaurants or the cinema or other places we all used to go together. I don't know why. They are as much a happy together memory as Butlins. It just seems different. More emotional. I had those types of flashback all weekend. All of us at the arcades. All of us sitting eating fish and chips. All of us queuing to go see a show. All of us at the swimming. All equally as vivid. All equally as sad and sigh worthy. All causing me to repeatedly swallow the lump in my throat. However, I pushed it back, held it down and kept it in. A brave face is the default face. They need me to be strong. They need to know that everything will be okay. There will be times when the façade needs to be dropped. Times when we can cry together, feel sad together and let it out together. Holiday isn't one of those times. 

As we left after the show to go back to our apartment I had a quick glance over my shoulder a few times in the hope that I should spy a slightly older me in the crowd looking in our direction. Hoping that that version of me would acknowledge me with a nod and a slight smile and a look that said "you're doing okay". I didn't see him. But Laura was there. Hidden somewhere in the crowd. 

Watching. As always.