The Birthday Time

In just under the space of three weeks Hallie, Aden and Laura all celebrate their birthdays. Hallie was 7 at the end of February and Aden will be 9 in March and sandwiched between them is Laura's birthday.

I have found this period particularly taxing. I don't quite know why. I don't think it has anything to do with having to organise both Hallie's and Aden's birthdays in a short space of time, although I have to say that is was quite stressful as organising their birthdays, like everything else really, was Laura's forte. I generally just did the running around, the blowing up of balloons and the picking up cakes and treats. 

I had suffered a bit of a Christmas hangover at the beginning of the year. Christmas was constantly on my mind for months and when it was over and they went back to school I felt exhausted. I had no motivation. I felt lethargic. Empty. As usual I put my game-face on and got on with things despite the hollow feeling inside. Then one morning I woke up and it was suddenly 4 weeks until Hallie's birthday and I hadn't organised anything. I also didn't "bank" any present ideas from Christmas so I was at a loss to what to actually buy them. (Note to self for next year.) I also didn't have a clue what to do on their actual birthdays. Laura always had new and original ideas party-wise, I had none. So I decided that Laura's ideas from last year were so good I'd do them again, only I tweaked them slightly if at all. The kids seemed happy enough with that so after a quick consultation they enthusiastically agreed. It was only afterwards when I was leafing through Laura's Books that I found she had written down birthday party ideas for the next few years. Of course she had. I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't think to look in her books initially. For context Laura had note books that she wrote things down in. There are weekly/monthly financial breakdowns and forecasts for coming months. Ideas, allowances and outlay for special occasions. There are also not only the aforementioned birthday plans but also suggestions for gifts for their 18th and 21st birthdays. She also has pictures to back this up on her phone. Again, it's hard to imagine the sadness she felt writing these ideas down knowing that she would never she the result or experience the joy. 

So now I'm in the middle of birthday season and even though my mind is full of organising and planning, my heart feels heavy. Laura loved their birthdays and it hurts that she isn't here for them. I'm feeling the weight of her sadness that last year was her last with them and even more so that she knew that. This period is another one of those firsts; her first birthday gone and their first birthdays without her. Time just seems to be marching on relentlessly and the universe appears unmoved by the fact that with every passing day she is further gone from us. That is not to say she is fading from our memory but these firsts continue to mark the passing of time and that makes me feel like I'm strapped tightly in a roller-coaster seat and I'm craning my neck to look backwards at a point that is becoming increasingly smaller. 

However, I bought her birthday cards from the kids and me. Just like she is here. We'll have a cake, make wishes on her behalf and sing happy birthday. Just like she is here. And in that way we are keeping her here, despite what the universe and time may say.