The Fear

It's the middle of the night I can't sleep. 2:47am. I'm tired and exhausted. There's a tightness in my chest and I can feel my heart beating all too fast. My ears are ringing and my eyes are struggling to focus. I try breathing slowly as I attempt to get it under control but it doesn't work. I try listening to The Voice but any words of comfort are being drowned out by the sound of my own laboured breathing and the rapid pulsing of my heartbeat echoing in my head. Nothing works. There is no reason to why this comes over me at certain times, the feeling just creeps in and as soon as I acknowledge it, it lingers and grows. The anxiety doesn't have a name or any recognisable trigger, there is no catalyst, it just is. It's not like I was thinking about a particular thing and it started there, it's just a general feeling of unease. Although I have been here before, these episodes are different. The worries are very much real and it's not just me stressing myself out for reasons I just couldn't put my finger on like I used to. My fears are exactly that. Fears. I'm scared. My mortality is a very palpable feeling. 

There's a rising feeling of anxiety and a uncontrollable sense of panic bubbling up from deep inside. I can't switch it off. The floodgates that hold back a torrent of worry are about to burst open with thousand concerns. And a thousand more what ifs.

I'm jammed in between the kids in bed and I can't risk moving in case I wake them up. This only exacerbates the worry. If I move I may disturb them. If I get out of bed and they wake up to find me not there they will get a fright. There will be tears and confusion. This has happened before, so I'm stuck here, unable to get up and try to clear my head. Unable to get up and even call a friend. 

So my worries have now got a focus and I can't get the thought out of my head: what would happen if something happened to me? I'm here alone with the two of them. There's no back up. This thought alone is a rabbit hole. Imagining them in any situation where they need to help me or help themselves without me is totally panic inducing. My brain keeps making me imagine it. Repeatedly. I have no answers. Against my will I can't think of anything but the worse. All I can hear is my heart pounding fast and all I feel is the dizzying sensation of trying to catch my breath. Rather absurdly my mind focuses on the front door. We have one of those composite doors with no handle on the outside. Since it was fitted it has always jammed. Even adults struggle with it. My brain is now panicking me into thinking what if something happened to me and they couldn't open the door. What if they needed to get out and I couldn't help them? What if they had to let someone in and couldn't? Now I'm feeling even more anxious. My mind is racing, processing all these worries so quickly that I can barely focus on one to think of a solution. How will they cope? I need to plan. I'm need to show them how to use my phone in an emergency. Would this, in turn, worry them? I need to look at the settings on my phone in regards to emergency details. I need to do something.

Plan for the worse. Hope for the best. I've hoped for the best before and what I got was the worse. How do other people in my situation cope with these worries? Of all the many concerns I have, my health is at the top. It's a very real worry. I simply cannot let them be without us both. It's an terrifying thought. Utterly terrifying. 

I lie down next to them and make a determined effort to get some control again. I need to. They are warm and at peace. I try to borrow some of that calm innocence that they exude in sleep. I close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing. Hallie rolls over and puts an arm around me, Aden is radiating warmth beside me. My heart is still beating fast but the rushing sound that filled my head is dissipating. While they are my biggest concern, they are also my salvation. They heal me. I can't remember falling asleep. I'm just grateful I did. 

I've called about my door and I've programmed my phone to send a message to family when the on button is pressed 5 times in succession. This is the way my life is now. I need to cover all the bases. Acknowledging my fears will provide solutions. I need to do this for them. This is more difficult than I feared but despite it all; the worries, the panic, the actual fear, I know that I will come out the other side. We will do it together. Because I love them I will take their fears and make them mine and all those fears will be unsuspectingly cured in turn by their love. 

Love over fear. Love will prevail.

The Birthday Time

In just under the space of three weeks Hallie, Aden and Laura all celebrate their birthdays. Hallie was 7 at the end of February and Aden will be 9 in March and sandwiched between them is Laura's birthday.

I have found this period particularly taxing. I don't quite know why. I don't think it has anything to do with having to organise both Hallie's and Aden's birthdays in a short space of time, although I have to say that is was quite stressful as organising their birthdays, like everything else really, was Laura's forte. I generally just did the running around, the blowing up of balloons and the picking up cakes and treats. 

I had suffered a bit of a Christmas hangover at the beginning of the year. Christmas was constantly on my mind for months and when it was over and they went back to school I felt exhausted. I had no motivation. I felt lethargic. Empty. As usual I put my game-face on and got on with things despite the hollow feeling inside. Then one morning I woke up and it was suddenly 4 weeks until Hallie's birthday and I hadn't organised anything. I also didn't "bank" any present ideas from Christmas so I was at a loss to what to actually buy them. (Note to self for next year.) I also didn't have a clue what to do on their actual birthdays. Laura always had new and original ideas party-wise, I had none. So I decided that Laura's ideas from last year were so good I'd do them again, only I tweaked them slightly if at all. The kids seemed happy enough with that so after a quick consultation they enthusiastically agreed. It was only afterwards when I was leafing through Laura's Books that I found she had written down birthday party ideas for the next few years. Of course she had. I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't think to look in her books initially. For context Laura had note books that she wrote things down in. There are weekly/monthly financial breakdowns and forecasts for coming months. Ideas, allowances and outlay for special occasions. There are also not only the aforementioned birthday plans but also suggestions for gifts for their 18th and 21st birthdays. She also has pictures to back this up on her phone. Again, it's hard to imagine the sadness she felt writing these ideas down knowing that she would never she the result or experience the joy. 

So now I'm in the middle of birthday season and even though my mind is full of organising and planning, my heart feels heavy. Laura loved their birthdays and it hurts that she isn't here for them. I'm feeling the weight of her sadness that last year was her last with them and even more so that she knew that. This period is another one of those firsts; her first birthday gone and their first birthdays without her. Time just seems to be marching on relentlessly and the universe appears unmoved by the fact that with every passing day she is further gone from us. That is not to say she is fading from our memory but these firsts continue to mark the passing of time and that makes me feel like I'm strapped tightly in a roller-coaster seat and I'm craning my neck to look backwards at a point that is becoming increasingly smaller. 

However, I bought her birthday cards from the kids and me. Just like she is here. We'll have a cake, make wishes on her behalf and sing happy birthday. Just like she is here. And in that way we are keeping her here, despite what the universe and time may say.