The Phone Call

 26th January 2022 4:30pm

"It's come back. I have secondary cancer. It's in my lungs and liver..."

That's all I really remember from that moment in time. 

There wasn't a dramatic slowing of time. It didn't stand still. I wasn't completely frozen in that moment. Instead, time rushed toward me. It had an end. Time for us was now completely different. 

We all know our time will come but the ending for the great majority of us is unknown. We are all here for a limited time. That is written in stone. We go through life and our day to days rarely considering that our time is finite. It's better that way. We, however, were now in a place where time had a full stop. It no longer stretched out before us full of opportunity, hopes and dreams.  For us, for Laura, time was now known to have an end.

We didn't know how long at the time. It wouldn't be for another two weeks before we found out. What we thought was a chest infection was actually the cancer returning. It had never actually gone away. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Once her cancer had metastasized, spread to other parts of the body, the prognosis is bad. There is no cure. She was given a year. 

I said I would be there as soon as. I think I called my sister and told her so she could watch the children while I went to hospital. When I got to the ward she was sitting up in bed. I pulled the curtain around us and starting crying. I could barely get a word out while Laura let me cry. I can't recall our conversation. My mind won't let me remember the details. Laura, although upset, was also very calm. In her head I am sure she was already planning. She apologised for not waiting for me to be there when they gave her the results but she had to know. I think I just kept repeating how unfair this is, that she, being younger, was meant to outlive me, that she would be better equipped than me and basically how are we going to cope without her. None of this actually helped. She just kept calmly telling me that I'll be okay, while I cried my heart out. 

Laura had been in hospital for 4 days at that point and she was sent home the following day with some leaflets and websites we should look up. That was it. Left in limbo. Still in pain and now with the extra burden of her diagnosis. We heard nothing else until her appointment two weeks later. During that time Laura's health didn't improve with the medication she was given and although she was in a bad place mentally, she still managed to organise and attend Hallie's birthday party. At that party I remember her sitting to the side, pale and gaunt. No one at the party, except me and one of her best friends, knew about her diagnosis. I daresay that any of them knew about her primary cancer either, such was her determination to be business as usual. At the time I was torn between her and Hallie. Laura wanted me to focus on making her party perfect but I was constantly checking on her, even if it was just with a nod. It was only afterwards that it all truly dawned on me. She was sitting there, watching, smiling, in pain, knowing in her heart that this was possibly going to be last birthday party of Hallie's that she would see. All of those lasts Laura faced with incredible strength. Every, single, one of them. A week later she was back in hospital for another 6 days, too poorly to start her new chemo regime. She got through that too, in time for her own 40th and Aden's birthday, which followed in quick succession in March. Her determination to be there for the kids at this point was her drive. And it manifested itself in sheer willpower. 

During both these hospital stints I had been looking after the kids. Every time I picked them up from school they'd ask if Mammy was back home. They made cards and wrote messages. They slept in our bed every night and we would facetime her and send her videos and pictures. The videos and pictures kept her strength up...

26th January 2023 

...just like they do for me a year on. 

We are still here. In our bed. Every night we look at those pictures and videos. The adjustment has been made. They know Mam has gone. I am organising their first birthdays without her. It's been hard but she managed to organise these things at the worse time of her life. I'm doing my best. I'll get better at it with practice and because she left a detailed template. She inadvertently taught me what to do. I will get better at this. I know I will.

Time is on my side.