The Dream

I was having a dream. This in itself is unusual of late as I haven't been dreaming as much as I used to. And I used to dream a lot. Fantastic, vivid, otherworldly dreams, that I would recall in fine detail. The detail would be so clear when I woke up and fade quickly after waking, so I would tell Laura as soon as I could. It used to amuse Laura no end. When I say amuse, that's what I read by her usual, head shaking comment of "you're a weirdo" when I recalled any of my night stories. So, in retrospect, maybe she actually wasn't amused after all.

Last night not only did I dream, but I dreamt of Laura. In my dream I was somewhere else, somewhere that was similar to our home but not our home. My dream was taking me in a completely different direction until I turned around in the hallway, that wasn't quite our hallway, and Laura was standing there. She was real. Present. In dreamworld high definition. The sight of her was so unexpected and so real that it took my dreaming breath away. She had that look on her face, the half-smile, the looking right through me eyes that said, "you're a weirdo" but instead what she said was, "I've got to go to work". I paused for a second, still a little stunned, then I moved towards her and placed my hands gently on her arms by her side and ushered her slowly backwards into our living room that wasn't quite our living room. She gave me a quizzical look as I guided her in silence toward to sofa, the half-smile still there but apprehensive like I had a surprise for her and/or bad news. I couldn't speak. I simply couldn't find the words as I sadly looked into her eyes. I gently held her arms until she felt the sofa at the back of her legs and she slowly sat down and I sat beside her, sitting on the edge of the sofa facing each other. I took her hands and looked into her eyes and with all my strength I whispered, "you can't go to work, you aren't here anymore". She gave me a smile but behind her eyes I could see the sadness intensify. Sadness, loss and confusion. The sadness was so intense that I couldn't bear it any longer, so I moved closer, put my arms around her and held her tight. I could feel her head leaning into my neck and I tilted my head toward hers. Her softness and her warmth infused my senses. The lump in my throat was causing me swallow constantly, preventing me from saying anything that I wanted to say. Tears were blurring my vision as a feeling of utter hopelessness welled up inside me. All the while as I held her tighter, I felt her fade away. The palpable feeling of her actual presence was dissipating in my arms. 

And then she was gone. 

Leaving me alone, on the edge of the sofa, my dream arms falling to my sides, strings cut and useless. My dream mind unwilling or unable to bring her back. And then I cried. I cried with the same unrelenting tears and heart-breaking pain as I did when I realised that she had drawn her last breath 154 days previous.  

Then I woke up. I woke up in a panic, thinking, expecting that I'll find the kids awake and worried and upset. But no, both were still gently sleeping either side of me. With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I made sure they were okay and fixed the bedding over them, only too grateful that the devastating sound of my heart breaking again was confined only to my dream.