"How will I cope?" I asked her. I was older than her so there was always a good chance that she would outlive me but I was comfortable with that as she was better at all this stuff than I was. Considering she had just been told she was dying she was, or at least seemed to be from the outside, very calm. It wasn't shock either. She was simply being Laura. How will I cope seems a wholly selfish reaction in retrospect. I only thought about me and whilst there was an element of that, in my defence, the main crux of my concern was the kids. How will I cope raising two kids on my own? How will I cope with all the emotions they are going to feel; the sadness, the frustration, the fear. How will I cope financially? How will I cope domestically? How will I cope with the task of actually living the rest of our lives?
There were many conversations that followed, many I will never share. Conversations about the kids future. Conversations about my future. Conversations about a future without Laura. Conversations about finances and everything else that life generally covers. Conversations in a situation that no one should be in and conversations that no one should really ever have. Conversations that the great majority will ever understand as it's simply impossible to imagine those conversations. Tearful conversations in the middle of the night. Steely hard business conversations in the cold light of day. Emotional, raw and frankly terrifying, these conversations had to be brutally honest, we had no time for vanity or selfishness. Time wasn't on our side. There were also the many occasions where conversation was just too difficult to actually have; subjects were initially brought up or simply alluded to but we just couldn't talk, it was just too difficult. All these conversations were difficult in a myriad of ways as they were based on an awful present and an unknown future and, as much as you can prepare for all eventualities, nothing is a given. No one knows the future, as we had found out on that day in January 2022. And again, a few short months later, in June 2022.
It has been nearly two years into that future. I have learned much about myself. I have learned that despite my concerns that I can cope. There have been times when I have doubted my ability to cope and I have no doubt that I will feel that way again many times in the future, but over the piece, I have coped. It has been a struggle and will continue to be a struggle. I am under no illusion that there will be really difficult times ahead, after all, parenting is fundamentally meant to be a two person job. There will always be times when I make the wrong decisions but that rule applies to everyone, so the second biggest learning for me is not to judge myself too harshly. After all, I have come to realise that I am the only one that can judge me. Regardless of anyone's thoughts on afterlife, I simply don't acknowledge that there will be A Reckoning. For me, we live and then we die and what you believe is your business. I believe that we will only be judged by what we leave behind in our legacy and our deeds. Yes, the house isn't as clean and tidy as it used to be and I'm not as totally organised as I have been or even should be. But will the kids remember that? Probably not. What I hope they will remember is that I did my best, and that, plus the honest contents of my heart and soul, is what I will leave them. I have the same emotional, physical and financial concerns as everyone else and sometimes those concerns can feel overwhelming but by surrounding myself with people who care, that concern lessens. There was a time when I used to care about what other people thought, but I don't as much anymore. This isn't self centered or selfish or ignorant, I simply don't have enough physical or mental energy to waste on anything but myself and the kids. I am only looking for positivity. We have One Life and that One Life is all that truly matters. Are the kids happy? Am I happy? These are the only two real questions that concern me in this life and that right there is my biggest learning and also my biggest aim.
"How will I cope?" I asked her.
"You will cope", she replied. "Not because you have to but because you can. I trust you to always do the right thing by the kids."
No one understands more about life and love and living than someone who knows its true value. And in that moment, and in those conversations that followed, she was the only one in the world that knew that value. That lesson will never be lost on me.
You have One Life. Live it.
